Expectations

Several years from now, I will look back at my life and wish that many things had not happened. Worse still I would curse myself for doing a lot of those things, uninstigated. Having built a cocoon for myself that allowed me my little joys, having broken that down to let me enjoy others', having painfully reconstructed it to ensure solace, all ploys that have thusfar yielded miserable results.

And when the burden of expectations lifts, ever so lightly, you are fooled into believing that everything is all right. But then wham, it hits you in the face and you're miserable all over again. Telling myself that the pain I feel now is the happiness I had before, is what keeps me sane. But this kind of sanity is far from the tranquility I so badly desire.

And yet, there is no sense of despair that I am normally used to. Its just a prolonged state of indifference that I see in the offing. A hugely prolonged state of indifference as I keep stepping from one blow to another. There are times when I long to get out of this state. There are times when I have been sucessful. But at the end of the day, the only thing that lets me get into bed and fall into a blissful slumber is that indifference.