funny

Its funny how things turn out sometimes, you see stuff staring at you in the face, but you choose to turn away. The last person who tried it died in a road accident. A semi was staring him in the face. So then its better to look at stuff in the face, even death. Its funny how these things work out sometimes.

Trying all our lives to do things that keep us alive, make us feel alive, but actually dying a slow death doing it. What hurts even more is knowing that it is, and watching it set it in. And then that light at the end turns into a train and you're glad. Maybe it will take you somewhere, but f*ck, no, its just heading straight for you, but you've already blissfully turned away.

So then what. I dont know. I dont f**king care. But I do.

The constancy of figuring out, living it. I hope the train is a fast one. It'll be over quick. Real Quick. Either Way.

-- The Author is not suicidal, he just thinks he's figured out stuff and that it should be written, cos its too good to remain in his head, cos there's too much there, and this is the good stuff. And good writers are not appreciated, cos there are better people to appreciate, like those genome mapping scientists. F*ck them. I did all this research by myself. Didn't get paid, and fucking nearly died in the process. And f*ck no, I'm not suicidal.

Expectations

Several years from now, I will look back at my life and wish that many things had not happened. Worse still I would curse myself for doing a lot of those things, uninstigated. Having built a cocoon for myself that allowed me my little joys, having broken that down to let me enjoy others', having painfully reconstructed it to ensure solace, all ploys that have thusfar yielded miserable results.

And when the burden of expectations lifts, ever so lightly, you are fooled into believing that everything is all right. But then wham, it hits you in the face and you're miserable all over again. Telling myself that the pain I feel now is the happiness I had before, is what keeps me sane. But this kind of sanity is far from the tranquility I so badly desire.

And yet, there is no sense of despair that I am normally used to. Its just a prolonged state of indifference that I see in the offing. A hugely prolonged state of indifference as I keep stepping from one blow to another. There are times when I long to get out of this state. There are times when I have been sucessful. But at the end of the day, the only thing that lets me get into bed and fall into a blissful slumber is that indifference.

Heath Ledger

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.

I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

--Ten Things I Hate About You"

Not a highly recommended movie, but heath's there. he's there

R.I.P

...

SJVN

A small victory of sorts today. A seemingly futile avenue has thrown up a good opportunity. Feels good.

In the abyss of happiness

the joy had disappeared

but it has returned

Light up the Darkness